Time I hung it up

I have been playing for about two years now and it has been a roller coaster ride to say the least. I have studied hard, read many books, magazines, internet articles, blogs, and put into practice advice from all of you. I have played no less than 400,000 hands of cash and likely more than that. I have either studied or played poker for 15 hours or more a week for those two years as well.Unfortunately I have built what I feel is honestly a pretty decent body of knowledge over that time, but I can't change the fact that I have stretched to stay in the game and not been able to.

I took one final shot tonight and as anything in poker does it had it's up and downs, but I was sucked out on in two tourneys, and no less than 6 times at cash. The river she was cruel but that's OK that's what it's meant to do, and it do it well. I have worked to be painfully honest at all times so I won't stop now, that's how it was. None of the 8 had me at less than a four to one favorite into the river... and frankly I don't think I need to do this to myself any more What I have known for some weeks now while I was in my death throws was that poker, while I love it, has had a more negative impact on my life than positive. It brings a thrill yes, but really a lot of stress that I think I will be better without. I have built a thicker and thicker skin (although likely not ever thick enough) but there is no denying the knots in my stomach that I carry for days lately every time I see a river that sends the pot the other way again. Frankly the knots are there lately when I just think about playing poker.

Take tonight for example, my wife is out of town, it's just me and my son at home tonight, I could have curled up with him and fallen asleep happily. Instead after he was in bed I gave it one more kick at the cat and now I am sitting awake at 2 AM feeling another of the lowest of the lows of poker.It takes time from my kids, it takes time from my wife, time from work, and well that's enough right there.I refuse to let this go any further. Life is too sweet and fantastic to need this stress. Don't worry, I am have not allowed it to affect me significantly financially at all, I have always tried to not buy in and I have come pretty close to that. I am only out a small amount of cash, but I will say that I have pushed relationships a bit to do it. And most importantly I see in my drive to do well at this, a huge risk that I may get lost in it, and or want to buy in one more time, one more time, one more time.

I have dreamed of poker supplementing my income for the past two years. Every day thinking about what it would be like to work hard enough and go pro, what I would buy with a couple grand more... now however the idea of having and unavoidably learning to depend on, a poker related income, now has a claustrophobic feeling to it.So I retire, I may stick my nose in here from time to time but I really hope I don't do it too often, I have kids to raise and a house to work on and a community to give my heart and soul to every day. (This is not to say that you can't do it all, I just so happen to not be able to do it all)

I completely respect you guys for either having the constitution required to live this way, or the intelligence and wisdom to keep it better than I have seen it, and or for some of you the ability to keep it truly recreational and be happy with that.You are an honourable admirable bunch I hope the world for you all, and I will admit it does kind of suck to burn out just before live legal NL and the PCH league comes to Winnipeg.If anyone is wondering why the heck this nutty guy typed all this ... I mean who the hell cares!?!? Well I care, giving this dream up actually means something to me, but I need to do it. I hope that makes sense and who knows maybe someone else one day will read this and identify with it.Take Care,Big Felter - out