I am going to try to keep this post brief as I really need to get to work, but I tell you I have learned a lot of life lessons over the past few weeks
First of all there is no question that I was at risk of allowing poker to take over my life. The shadow mission concept certainly applies here. Poker was taking away from my quality of life and certainly not adding to it in many ways.
Secondly with poker as with anything in life if you want it too badly you may choke it too death by trying to hard. I ended up chasing long bad sessions, with twice as long worse sessions, and while yes it was a bad run, it also could almost have been a cosmic intervention of some kind too. I needed something to show me how stressful poker was making my life.
Thirdly a community is very important for whatever you do in life. Don't isolate yourself, and be honest with those around you. You may just find that they are either struggling with the same things you are and or even better they may have a better solution than you.
So all in all I did retire.... and I still am retired from my quest to hit that run and not go pro but have poker contribute significantly to my financial position with regularity would be the best way to say it.
I practically was busted out, and it was for good I can say now. I gave away my last few freerolls, to Gilby and shyguy and they came through for me. Sort of a reverse intervention of sorts. Gilby took on the challenge of a 5K free roll and took an ugly beat to finish out of the money. The chips went in as a huge favorite what more can be done. Shyguy ran better and played really well (or so it sounds) and hit a mid level micro stakes cash, and we split it.
I am not even worried about what is there now to keep me alive. I am putting all other aspects of my life first now and it feels great!
And you know what. The hour or two I might sit down when I truly have some leisure time, I am having fun, not stressing out, and .... winning
Now before anyone says slippery slope, please understand that when there is a completely different mind set in place, it really isn't about that. The goal switch is off, the hope switch is off, and the only thing that is there if I get some time to play, is what brought me to the game in the first place.... and what makes me love chess for that matter.... to learn, to improve, to have the mental challenge and make the best decisions I can, and learn when it doesn't work out.
So retired yes, but that doesn't mean I won't be improving at a slow burn.... well enough for now, I have stuff to do people!!!
Note: for future posts I will enjoy getting out of life's lessons and back into poker lessons as the opportunity arises
Friday, August 31, 2007
Thursday, August 23, 2007
Time I hung it up
I have been playing for about two years now and it has been a roller coaster ride to say the least. I have studied hard, read many books, magazines, internet articles, blogs, and put into practice advice from all of you. I have played no less than 400,000 hands of cash and likely more than that. I have either studied or played poker for 15 hours or more a week for those two years as well.Unfortunately I have built what I feel is honestly a pretty decent body of knowledge over that time, but I can't change the fact that I have stretched to stay in the game and not been able to.
I took one final shot tonight and as anything in poker does it had it's up and downs, but I was sucked out on in two tourneys, and no less than 6 times at cash. The river she was cruel but that's OK that's what it's meant to do, and it do it well. I have worked to be painfully honest at all times so I won't stop now, that's how it was. None of the 8 had me at less than a four to one favorite into the river... and frankly I don't think I need to do this to myself any more What I have known for some weeks now while I was in my death throws was that poker, while I love it, has had a more negative impact on my life than positive. It brings a thrill yes, but really a lot of stress that I think I will be better without. I have built a thicker and thicker skin (although likely not ever thick enough) but there is no denying the knots in my stomach that I carry for days lately every time I see a river that sends the pot the other way again. Frankly the knots are there lately when I just think about playing poker.
Take tonight for example, my wife is out of town, it's just me and my son at home tonight, I could have curled up with him and fallen asleep happily. Instead after he was in bed I gave it one more kick at the cat and now I am sitting awake at 2 AM feeling another of the lowest of the lows of poker.It takes time from my kids, it takes time from my wife, time from work, and well that's enough right there.I refuse to let this go any further. Life is too sweet and fantastic to need this stress. Don't worry, I am have not allowed it to affect me significantly financially at all, I have always tried to not buy in and I have come pretty close to that. I am only out a small amount of cash, but I will say that I have pushed relationships a bit to do it. And most importantly I see in my drive to do well at this, a huge risk that I may get lost in it, and or want to buy in one more time, one more time, one more time.
I have dreamed of poker supplementing my income for the past two years. Every day thinking about what it would be like to work hard enough and go pro, what I would buy with a couple grand more... now however the idea of having and unavoidably learning to depend on, a poker related income, now has a claustrophobic feeling to it.So I retire, I may stick my nose in here from time to time but I really hope I don't do it too often, I have kids to raise and a house to work on and a community to give my heart and soul to every day. (This is not to say that you can't do it all, I just so happen to not be able to do it all)
I completely respect you guys for either having the constitution required to live this way, or the intelligence and wisdom to keep it better than I have seen it, and or for some of you the ability to keep it truly recreational and be happy with that.You are an honourable admirable bunch I hope the world for you all, and I will admit it does kind of suck to burn out just before live legal NL and the PCH league comes to Winnipeg.If anyone is wondering why the heck this nutty guy typed all this ... I mean who the hell cares!?!? Well I care, giving this dream up actually means something to me, but I need to do it. I hope that makes sense and who knows maybe someone else one day will read this and identify with it.Take Care,Big Felter - out
I took one final shot tonight and as anything in poker does it had it's up and downs, but I was sucked out on in two tourneys, and no less than 6 times at cash. The river she was cruel but that's OK that's what it's meant to do, and it do it well. I have worked to be painfully honest at all times so I won't stop now, that's how it was. None of the 8 had me at less than a four to one favorite into the river... and frankly I don't think I need to do this to myself any more What I have known for some weeks now while I was in my death throws was that poker, while I love it, has had a more negative impact on my life than positive. It brings a thrill yes, but really a lot of stress that I think I will be better without. I have built a thicker and thicker skin (although likely not ever thick enough) but there is no denying the knots in my stomach that I carry for days lately every time I see a river that sends the pot the other way again. Frankly the knots are there lately when I just think about playing poker.
Take tonight for example, my wife is out of town, it's just me and my son at home tonight, I could have curled up with him and fallen asleep happily. Instead after he was in bed I gave it one more kick at the cat and now I am sitting awake at 2 AM feeling another of the lowest of the lows of poker.It takes time from my kids, it takes time from my wife, time from work, and well that's enough right there.I refuse to let this go any further. Life is too sweet and fantastic to need this stress. Don't worry, I am have not allowed it to affect me significantly financially at all, I have always tried to not buy in and I have come pretty close to that. I am only out a small amount of cash, but I will say that I have pushed relationships a bit to do it. And most importantly I see in my drive to do well at this, a huge risk that I may get lost in it, and or want to buy in one more time, one more time, one more time.
I have dreamed of poker supplementing my income for the past two years. Every day thinking about what it would be like to work hard enough and go pro, what I would buy with a couple grand more... now however the idea of having and unavoidably learning to depend on, a poker related income, now has a claustrophobic feeling to it.So I retire, I may stick my nose in here from time to time but I really hope I don't do it too often, I have kids to raise and a house to work on and a community to give my heart and soul to every day. (This is not to say that you can't do it all, I just so happen to not be able to do it all)
I completely respect you guys for either having the constitution required to live this way, or the intelligence and wisdom to keep it better than I have seen it, and or for some of you the ability to keep it truly recreational and be happy with that.You are an honourable admirable bunch I hope the world for you all, and I will admit it does kind of suck to burn out just before live legal NL and the PCH league comes to Winnipeg.If anyone is wondering why the heck this nutty guy typed all this ... I mean who the hell cares!?!? Well I care, giving this dream up actually means something to me, but I need to do it. I hope that makes sense and who knows maybe someone else one day will read this and identify with it.Take Care,Big Felter - out
Tuesday, August 7, 2007
Wild couple of months
Well it has been a wild couple of months to say the least. I was within striking distance of my 2K goal built up from micro stakes, then had to buy a laptop with half of it and went on a bad run for the rest.
I can't deny two things about my bad run 1) it was bad, nothing held up and it really really really sucked and 2) it beat me down mentally so that what I didn't give away to the bad run, I did give away at the end to bad play.
So despite all my bitching and moaning on PegCity I have made some changes to my game with what I have left to play with, (and that is next to nothing). I hope it holds up because if I loose this it will be a very long time before I rebuy. I managed to let my credit card grow to a sufficiently wife angering point somehow (and she is right,. and no it was not poker money, as posted before I have not directly bought in) so I need to be very very careful.
The changes are helping and with hands holding up I have had a nice week. Not a profitable week but a nice one. Cards have played as they should and no big surprises... Now this is only four days since I was viciously 2 and 3 outed for two more buy ins, but with the support of the guys I may have managed to stay sane.
I talked about the changes in the posts, but here are a couple that have helped:
1) Continuation betting less or at least being more selective when I do it, and also factoring in a decrease in continuation betting simply because of the stakes I am playing at. Guys will do all kinds of crazy shit once you drop below $1 (although 50 cent is not bad I will admit). So assuming I am going to get called by just plain bad poker say 15% of the time so keep the chips a little closer to me... I am aware that there is a fine line between this change and playing worse less aggressive poker. I think I see the difference clearly and it may be putting me closer to optimal play anyway.
2) As was recommended to me recently I am sticking closer to the top ten hands. I am doing this for two reasons. First with the limited bank I have, I need to be mixing it up less, and I think I have allowed myself to open up too much again. Something feels good about the last few session when I am folding hands without position that I was pretty much leaning towards playing from any position. The only time I am playing the sneakier hands right now is when it is a no brainer and I just CANT fold it. You know what... that sounds about right. I feel that I have been making the suited connector in early or AJ in early folds that I need to be making.
With these changes I have also increased my aggression with the top ten hands, and or when the time is right which also feels good.
Anyway basically I am working on my TAG game rather than my LAG game that I prefer. Not a bad thing.
I think if I can survive this lowest point, then I may be able to look back on the last two months as needed learning.
Oh and one more thing. I haven't been playing much at all. I have made time for other things lately and that has also been feeling good. My sessions have been a focused short 1-2 hour at most, and then rather than take the risk of loosing concentration I leave and get something done around the house... I intend to continue to play less or at least shorter sessions for a while. I must admit I do feel like I am coming out of a bit of a poker induced mental fog around the rest of my life..
Anyway I am tired and I am rambling so good night !!
--Felter
I can't deny two things about my bad run 1) it was bad, nothing held up and it really really really sucked and 2) it beat me down mentally so that what I didn't give away to the bad run, I did give away at the end to bad play.
So despite all my bitching and moaning on PegCity I have made some changes to my game with what I have left to play with, (and that is next to nothing). I hope it holds up because if I loose this it will be a very long time before I rebuy. I managed to let my credit card grow to a sufficiently wife angering point somehow (and she is right,. and no it was not poker money, as posted before I have not directly bought in) so I need to be very very careful.
The changes are helping and with hands holding up I have had a nice week. Not a profitable week but a nice one. Cards have played as they should and no big surprises... Now this is only four days since I was viciously 2 and 3 outed for two more buy ins, but with the support of the guys I may have managed to stay sane.
I talked about the changes in the posts, but here are a couple that have helped:
1) Continuation betting less or at least being more selective when I do it, and also factoring in a decrease in continuation betting simply because of the stakes I am playing at. Guys will do all kinds of crazy shit once you drop below $1 (although 50 cent is not bad I will admit). So assuming I am going to get called by just plain bad poker say 15% of the time so keep the chips a little closer to me... I am aware that there is a fine line between this change and playing worse less aggressive poker. I think I see the difference clearly and it may be putting me closer to optimal play anyway.
2) As was recommended to me recently I am sticking closer to the top ten hands. I am doing this for two reasons. First with the limited bank I have, I need to be mixing it up less, and I think I have allowed myself to open up too much again. Something feels good about the last few session when I am folding hands without position that I was pretty much leaning towards playing from any position. The only time I am playing the sneakier hands right now is when it is a no brainer and I just CANT fold it. You know what... that sounds about right. I feel that I have been making the suited connector in early or AJ in early folds that I need to be making.
With these changes I have also increased my aggression with the top ten hands, and or when the time is right which also feels good.
Anyway basically I am working on my TAG game rather than my LAG game that I prefer. Not a bad thing.
I think if I can survive this lowest point, then I may be able to look back on the last two months as needed learning.
Oh and one more thing. I haven't been playing much at all. I have made time for other things lately and that has also been feeling good. My sessions have been a focused short 1-2 hour at most, and then rather than take the risk of loosing concentration I leave and get something done around the house... I intend to continue to play less or at least shorter sessions for a while. I must admit I do feel like I am coming out of a bit of a poker induced mental fog around the rest of my life..
Anyway I am tired and I am rambling so good night !!
--Felter
Monday, August 6, 2007
The love of a four year old...
I was outside cleaning the pool early this morning enjoying the peace and quiet and the cool morning breeze. A great moment. Then this little voice calls out from the open upstairs window "Daaaaaad, are you up here".
"I am outside bud what's up"
"I'n awake and I wann, I wann play Spiderman"
"How about some breakfast first, buddy?"
Then my sons little four year old face appears at the window
"There you are" with a beaming smile, "OK.... we can have breakfast fiiiirst, but you better come upstairs for a hug first"
Nice moment, for those of you with kids, I know you understand. As I finished up with the pool in a hurry to go and see my boy buddy (I have a best girl buddy, a daughter too) , I was left with the thought of how he is growing up so fast and I need to soak up every moment I get.
Never again in my life will someone show me this unconditional love as he does right now. A treasure more than measure.
As for my daughter... well unconditional hate may be more like it, she turned 12 and is all of a moody teenager. But she is a treasure too in her own way right now ;) Talk about surviving swings, I walk into one room and I am the smartest, coolest guy in the world. Then on a high I walk into the next room, say hi and get the eye roll, dismissal of a teenager.
Take care of those families people!
"I am outside bud what's up"
"I'n awake and I wann, I wann play Spiderman"
"How about some breakfast first, buddy?"
Then my sons little four year old face appears at the window
"There you are" with a beaming smile, "OK.... we can have breakfast fiiiirst, but you better come upstairs for a hug first"
Nice moment, for those of you with kids, I know you understand. As I finished up with the pool in a hurry to go and see my boy buddy (I have a best girl buddy, a daughter too) , I was left with the thought of how he is growing up so fast and I need to soak up every moment I get.
Never again in my life will someone show me this unconditional love as he does right now. A treasure more than measure.
As for my daughter... well unconditional hate may be more like it, she turned 12 and is all of a moody teenager. But she is a treasure too in her own way right now ;) Talk about surviving swings, I walk into one room and I am the smartest, coolest guy in the world. Then on a high I walk into the next room, say hi and get the eye roll, dismissal of a teenager.
Take care of those families people!
Saturday, August 4, 2007
Well it's time
I just typed up a two page post that set me straight on the past two months. I was really proud of the insight and the recap of all the errors I had made ...
Then the fucking Blogger site lost the post and brought me back to a fucking empty page... you don't expect to take a bad beat when writing a post on how you are going to avoid taking beats in the future....
Sorry to anyone who reads this, but I just don't have it in me to type it all over again.
Dammit...
--Felter
Then the fucking Blogger site lost the post and brought me back to a fucking empty page... you don't expect to take a bad beat when writing a post on how you are going to avoid taking beats in the future....
Sorry to anyone who reads this, but I just don't have it in me to type it all over again.
Dammit...
--Felter
Thursday, August 2, 2007
Articles: Starting from Zero
Articles: Starting from Zero: "To ensure that I keep my bankroll intact, I've adopted some key rules:
I'll never buy into a cash game or a Sit & Go with more than 5 percent of my total bankroll (there is an exception for the lowest limits: I'm allowed to buy into any game with a buy-in of $2.50 or less).- I won't buy into a multi-table tournament for more than 2 percent of my total bankroll and I'm allowed to buy into any multi-table tournament that costs $1.
If at any time during a No-Limit or Pot-Limit cash-game session the money on the table represents more than 10 percent of my total bankroll, I must leave the game when the blinds reach me. "
I have adopted this and it really really sucks, but likley it will really really help....
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